I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize