that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Boobs speak an international language.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
