Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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