remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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