I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize