He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
