I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
