you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
