The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize