I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
