Just took my morning after pill in the library
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
