Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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