You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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