I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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