I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
