it hurts more in the daytime
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
