i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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