How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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