maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
