Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
