Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
