I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the day after is always just damage control
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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