walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
