You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
