Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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