Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I have aggressive nipples.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
