I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
