I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
