I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
