Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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