I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
