As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
