im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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