I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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