My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
