your room smells of hookers.
And success
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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