I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
