he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
this just has baby written all over it
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
