ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
