i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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