My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
