I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
