is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Drunk is not a location!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
