these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
