is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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