ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
