We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
