Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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