You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
