You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
