Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize