only if we run a train.
done.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize