Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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