I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
