i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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